They say ‘breast is best’, but what happens when you have no breasts? We are kicking off Breast Feeding Week with this beautiful blog about navigating motherhood after a mastectomy. The realities, the emotions & the utter joy that can still be felt- even when you have no boobs.
They say Breast is Best
‘Breast is best’ we often hear. However, it is only ‘best’ should you have the option to be able to breastfeed and the desire to want to do so.
I had always dreamt of breastfeeding my baby long before he had even come into existence. Motherhood and breast feeding seemed synonymous to me. But sadly, a faulty BRCA-1 gene and my choice to have an elective double mastectomy stripped me of this option.
Although I was well informed of the consequences and had gone ahead with my surgery over 2 years prior to my baby’s arrival, psychologically it didn’t necessarily make things any easier at the time I was pregnant and entered the immediate postpartum phase.
As soon as I was pregnant what was left of my breasts began to change. They were swollen, bigger, tender and areolas darker. It felt rather cruel, like my body was taunting me. Why was it making preparations for something I knew it was no longer capable of doing?! I had also greatly underestimated that even a small amount of remaining breast tissue was capable of such noticeable changes.
Whenever breast feeding was brought up by my midwives, I found myself trying to quickly reel off my pre prepared spiel to justify why I couldn’t. I was mostly met with empathy. But it was repetitive. Was anyone actually reading my notes?! Sitting through antenatal classes were also painful at times. It was all geared towards breastfeeding. No one really discussed or taught you sufficiently about formula selection, preparation, sterilising, different types of bottles and teats.
When my baby was born, I was encouraged to do skin to skin with him. However, having his head so close to my breasts and his innate reflex to search for my nipples and attempt to feed was a painful reminder of what my body was no longer capable of. So, I made the tough decision to not do skin to skin for a sometime until bottle feeding was established and when my baby would no longer see me as a potential source of food. It felt tough to make such a decision as skin to skin otherwise felt great, helped us bond not to mention the numerous health benefits of temperature, heart rate and breathing regulation for my baby.
The first couple of weeks at home were challenging. The instant formula prep machine we had purchased twice didn’t work. My baby started cluster feeding and making up feeds for him were never quick enough. I felt frustrated that both my husband and I had to put in so much work, forward planning and preparation into something that my body would have normally been able to do without me even thinking about it. A few tears were definitely shed.
However, through perseverance, finding shortcuts, advance formula preparation and a few more gadgets we have somehow got to where we are today. My baby is almost 8 months now and is thriving. Our formula journey will be over in a few months. He has absolutely no idea of the feeding journey we have been on. And I reckon in years to come I’ll probably forget a lot of this too.
I don’t regret my decision to have had my double mastectomy. The feeding journey overall will be a very small part of my son’s life. Me being around hopefully for longer and being healthier will have the biggest impact on him and his wellbeing.
My feeding journey has also allowed my husband and mum to feed our baby too which has given me some much-needed breaks and allowed him to create close bonds with other people, not just me. It has also been lovely to indulge in the odd tipple or two!
Should we be lucky enough to have another baby I think our feeding journey will hopefully be easier next time. There is so much I have learnt and experienced. Now that our formula journey is almost over, I guess we will be onto the next challenges of walking, talking and potty training. Which I look forward to embracing.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. It’s so important for us to hear about ALL parts of the experience in order for those embarking on their own journey know what to expect. But also, to enable the health care system to identify the areas they need to improve.
Follow along with us as we share more stories throughout Breastfeeding Week.